As I sit here and type things with my wonderful fingers it makes me think…I love my hands. Seriously these things are fucking awesome. If you don’t have hands…well I’m really sorry for you. Unless you have hook hands. ‘Cause then you are probably a pirate and that’s pretty sweet too.
Top 5 things I love about having hands.
Wow. This seriously never gets old. Have you ever thought of all the things that you can hold with your hands? A ton of stuff. Just today, I held some LEGOs, a sandwich, a hammer, my wife’s boobs, four pounds of cheese, 3 shoes, a cat…well, I could go on. The point is that just about anything you think of being able to hold, you can hold with your hands. Scientists think that hands might actually be the best things to use to hold things with.
Through out history, one thing has remained constant: The coolest way to greet, or show appreciation to another person is the High Five. High Fives say to someone “Hey there. I recognize you as a colleague and a peer and I want to loudly clap my hand against yours in a dynamic and fucking awesome way.” You ever tried to high five someone without a hand? You can’t. Otherwise you’re stumping them. That’s just creepy. Knock it off.
Now, I’m not talking signing for the deaf here. If you are deaf and missing your hands then you have a whole word of problems and that goes well beyond the scope of what it is that I am talking about here. I’m talking the important things we rely on every day. No hands = No thumbs up. No hands = No Ok Sign. No hands = No Flipping The Bird. No Hands = No Devil’s Horns.
Think about this for a moment. You get cut off in traffic and you can’t flip someone off (I don’t know…maybe you’re driving a modified car that doesn’t need hands…fuck off). What is waving your handless arm at them going to do? Not a thing! What about when Alice in Chains comes on the radio and you want to show people how righteously you are rocking out? It can’t happen now. You cannot rock. You can only bob your head in sadness.
Hands are ideally suited to scratching. Each hand comes equipped with five flappy things that are perfect for scratching. The flappy things ( I think this is their technical name) even come equipped with some sort of toenail on them that aids the scratching process. When it comes to itch relief these things are the fricken bee’s knees. If you happen to have an itch right now, put down your fork and just use those toenails on your hand flappy things.
If you don’t have hands to wave with then you are just flailing.