Archive for August, 2009

Strategies For Coping With Mondays

Posted in Uncategorized on August 31, 2009 by moegreeb

Mondays blow. I know it, you know it. Even the crazy guy on the corner with his underwear on his head strongly suspects this. I have come up with some surprisingly effective strategies for keeping this beast from devouring your spirit.

1. Monday Helmet.

Take your best fucking shot Monday

Take your best fucking shot Monday

It is no surprise that where Monday hurts the most is in our brain. This is where we feel the brunt of the attack. For an effective anti-Monday day you need to get yourself a helmet. You want something that clearly let’s people know that you are prepared for whatever the day throws your way. Also, something with a straw is handy so you can still drink your coffee.

2. Answer In Questions

No one is prepared for definitive statements on a Monday. No one. Monday’s are about uncertainties. That’s the whole fucking point of them. If someone tries to pass off their own inability to cope with the confusion of the day by asking you something ask them something back. Example:

Q: Are those reports done yet? A:When should they be done?

This way you force that other person into making the definitive statement. That’ll teach the prick.

3. Twitch A Lot

Everybody knows that a moving target is far harder to hit. The more you move around and shake the less chance that evil Monday rays will be able to hit you. As a bonus this also seems to help keep people from asking you questions and forcing you to use strategy #2. I’m not sure why that is.

4. Coffee And Fuckloads Of It

Part of the problem with Mondays is that they follow a weekend. Your brain has spent the weekend relaxing and enjoying itself. It is a scientifically proven fact that the human mind cannot function on its own on Mondays and needs mass amounts of stimulation (I assume. I haven’t bothered to fact check. Facts are for losers anyways). For this coffee is required. In order to get your brain operating at a functional speed the ideal coffee consumption should be one pot an hour.

5. Balloons.

Balloon barrier

Balloon barrier

Frankly, it is impossible to be in a bad mood when you are surrounded by balloons. It just can’t happen. Although it can get somewhat annoying when a balloon pops every single time you move your chair. The solution then is simple though. Don’t move. You sit your ass down in that chair and you don’t get up for any reason until it is time for you to leave. Just stare off into space. Everyone else is doing it.
So. Those are just a few little tricks that can help you get by. These have helped me week after week survive the ordeals of the Mondays. Hold your head up high, look Monday square in the face, and then kick him as hard as you can in the penis. It is the only way that he is going to learn.
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Confidence And The Lack Thereof…

Posted in Uncategorized on August 30, 2009 by moegreeb

It was odd. A friend asked me today about blogging advice (which blew me away because I am a huge fan of her writing) and I found myself wondering at the nature of self confidence. It seems to me that the stronger the image we put to the world the less aware of our skills we are.

I think most people that know me would be surprised that I have almost zero self confidence.  That isn’t to say that there aren’t a few that see beyond my bluster to that insecure kid hiding on the inside but I don’t think most people do. Huzah for overcompensation. It doesn’t matter what the medium though or what I actually know to be true about my skills…I have no faith. It is actually a hard thing to reconcile sometimes. My list of self-percieved flaws is high. I hate how I look, I can’t stand to listen to my own music, my writing always seems to be forced and trite, my humour is base, that I have a deeply unlikeable personality, that my friends are passing acquaintances who will forget me as quickly as the time it takes me to leave the room. As I type this up I know that these things aren’t true but knowing and believing aren’t necessarily the same things.

So I do what I can to counter this lack of self worth. I try and put as much as myself out there as humanly possible. I make music, I post pics, I blog, I Twit…all in an effort to find a value. It helps. More and more I’m able to start pushing aside that voice in my head that keeps telling me its not worth it, that I’m not worth it. That I am a diversion for people but nothing more. Fuck its hard sometimes though. Sometimes that voice is just screaming at you from inside you own head.

To summarize: Fuck you Chris. I’m not going to let you drag me down. I’m too awesome for that.

Today Was Not A Good Day

Posted in Uncategorized on August 28, 2009 by moegreeb

Today has not been a good day. It started off as a good day. It’s Friday and I was ready to rock. I was going to kick it in the junk and run away giggling. This plan was well executed for the most part until 12:00. It was 12:00 on the dot. That was when my phone on my desk rang.

Yup. My dad had just found out that he was going to require another bypass operation. Fucking A. I couldn’t tell you how many years it has been since the last one that he had. I really couldn’t. I could tell you that it hasn’t been that many. Not nearly enough years…

It is fairly easy to remember sitting on the bench outside the hospital last time. I can remember that the bench was cold and that my cousin beside me was complaining that she was going to get hemorrhoids from it. At the time though I was just listening to the words of the doctor as he told us that the surgery was a success but that it had been very close. That there had been serious worry that they were going to lose him. And now I get to wait for that again. Fuck.

So. Phone rang. I answered and talked to my mother and assured her that everything is going to be fine. Then I made small talk with her and finally got off the phone. I called my wife and told her what was happening. I talked to a friend briefly online and was given some support. Then I got off the computer and I sat and I cried. I didn’t even see it coming. One moment I think I’m ok and then the next I’m shaking hunched over my computer desk. Finally I just put it out of my mind and carried on with my day. The afternoon passed, my day ended. Walked back to my car, talked to some people over my phone. Then I climbed into my car and started crying again. Fuck.

So now I wait. It will be at least two months until the surgery. Two months of waiting and wondering and worrying. So yeah. Today was a shitty day. Fuck.

Axe Body Spray: The Enemy

Posted in Uncategorized on August 28, 2009 by moegreeb

Axe Body Spray must be stopped. Yes that’s right. I’m ripping on those purveyors of stench masking sprays. Only several months after it is really relevant. That’s me. I’m a cutting edge fucker like that.
Earlier today, as I passed someone on the street, I sensed that perhaps this person might be a user of the Axe’s fine line of products. This is a rather polite way of saying that it felt like my nose had its own set of male genitalia and that this man’s manufactured scent was kicking said nose genitalia forcefully.
I realize that this is not a problem that can be blamed solely on Axe. There is not a single person that cannot recall a time where they have been trapped in close proximity to someone who doesn’t know where to stop when it comes to showering on the perfume or cologne. In small doses it can be pleasant. It does not take much, however, to cross that line from pleasant to gag inducing/eye burning. Having said this, a fair bit of blame can still be laid at Axe’s feet. The commercials for these products seem to indicate that if you spend a few minutes dousing yourself in their product women are going to be fighting each other for the opportunity to fellate you. I’ve occasionally passed by people that I thought smelled good but never good enough that I’ve had to fight the urge to stuff their junk into my mouth. Maybe its just me and my amazing willpower.

Why are they showing people that the proper way to hygiene is to douse yourself under what appears to be a lethal dose of odourant? This is why we have teachers afraid to go into classrooms you know. Not because they are afraid of getting shot but because teenage boys don’t shower enough and think that a can of spray will cover the stench of adolescence and sweat. This is not true. Not by a long shot. Sorry, kiddos. You want to get the ladies time to get yourself acquainted with a bar of soap and a loofah. You’ll be amazed.

One more thing, what the hell is with the idea that using Axe will transmute your flesh and bones to animated chocolate? What sort of nefarious alchemy is this? What fevered and demented mind first concocted this nightmarish vision of a product already bad enough? Enough said really. Enough said.

Axe Body Spray: Leave The Mind Fucking To Us

Axe Body Spray: Leave The Mind Fucking To Us

You Will Be Missed Polkaroo

Posted in Uncategorized on August 26, 2009 by moegreeb

Long time Canadian children’s show mascot Polkaroo today died earlier today. Early coroner toxicology reports indicate a high amount of methamphetamine’s in his system.
The Polkaroo was best known for his appearances on the TV Ontario program “the Polka Dot Door”. The Polkaroo always made his visits during a segment entitled “Imagination Day”. Unfortunately his crippling drug habit left him unable to communicate verbally and instead reduced him to a vocabulary compromised of only his own name coupled with frantic flailing arm gestures and pantomimes.
The origins of the Polkaroo are unknown but it is suspected that his parentage can be traced to a kangaroo and one of the more mentally handicapped Muppets.
Public support for the death of this icon has been overwhelming and positive. Many have cited how their childhood has been enriched by his medicated buffoonery. Many of the show’s female co-hosts have gone on record stating how how the Polkaroo brought a sense of security and warmth to the show as well as having Grade A narcotics that he was more than willing to share. Of the male co-hosts that were interviewed the answer was always “Polkaroo is dead? And I missed him again?”.
The Polkaroo was a cultural icon to many Canadians and he died as he lived…encased in a sweat soaked foam lined body frantically waving his arms and calling out his own name.

For the record, he tasted like chicken and goes great with a Chardonnay. Just saying.

For the record, he tasted like chicken and goes great with a Chardonay. Just saying.

Problems With Writing A Blog

Posted in Uncategorized on August 24, 2009 by moegreeb

The problems with blogging.

Blogging can be fun activity but there are several problems that lie with it. Let me see if I can organize my thoughts enough to touch upon some of them.

1. Ideas
Let’s be honest. We start blogs thinking of all the fascinating things that we have to share with the world. All the little tidbits we have picked up and all of our witty and pithy observations on life. Truth is, blog worthy ideas aren’t as numerous as one might think. Sometimes I go whole weeks at a time where I don’t have a single thought that doesn’t involve boobs in someways. This leads to a very one dimensional type or writing I find.

2. Relevance.
Who is your audience? Are these people that know you personally or have only come to know a bit about you? Maybe these are only folks that have stumbled upon your blog completely by accident. The truth is, there is no way of knowing who is going to be reading. This can leave a bit of a problem when you do decide upon what you want to write. When I have finally settled on a topic that I feel like writing about, does it make an ounce of difference to anyone else? If it doesn’t then why don’t I just write it in a journal? I can at least sate my need to purge the words from my head that way…
Ultimately, what is the point of your blogging? Is it to share with others? If it is then it is necessary to strip away some of the little in jokes and references that deep down you know are only for you. In order to reach out sometimes you need to strip away.

3. Tone
This is a tough one. What the hell tone do you use when writing? I must confess to being somewhat inconsistent in my tone. A lot of the time I strive for humour. Let’s be honest about it…I’m fucking hysterical. Sometimes I’ll laugh at something I said for hours afterwards. Unfortunately not every one is as quick as me and I’ll have to take the time to explain in detail how exactly it is funny. Nevermind that though. Humour isn’t always the right way to go though. Sometimes you’ll be writing and the jokes just won’t come to you. Does this mean that you try and force the jokes? This rarely works I find. I instead just let myself be guided by my content. Sometimes I’ll be surprised at the shift but pleasantly so.

4. Flow
Sometime it just doesn’t happen. You can have a great idea and one that you really want to capture but as soon as you sit down and start typing the words just dry up. Everything you write becomes trite and lifeless to your eyes. This sucks when it happens. I wish I could say that I follow this piece of advice: Just walk away. If you try and force your words it will become apparent. The nice thing about blogging is that we are beholden to no one but ourselves. For the most part, we don’t have deadlines. If the piece just isn’t there for us…shelve it. Maybe next time it will be ready for you.

These are just a few of the problems that I’ve found encountered. I don’t want this to come off sounding like its not worth the effort though. Since I’ve started doing it I’ve come to love blogging. Not only is it a great way to improve upon your writing skills but it is a great way to share yourself with the online community. What you decide to write about reveals much about yourself. It lets people see how you view the world. These problems can get annoying at times but they are problems that everyone of us as bloggers face. The important thing to do is to identify them and make sure that what we put out to the online world is something that we are proud to share.

The Week Of The Cottage

Posted in Uncategorized on August 23, 2009 by moegreeb

Yeah. That's a view that didn't suck

Yeah. That's a view that didn't suck

And another summers cottage week has come to a conclusion. Reviewing my agenda that I had posted in my last blog,It would appear that I didn’t get everything accomplished that I had hoped…but it was still a good time.

Every summer there is a group of us that get together to spend some relaxing time together. It is an odd collection of people and we span a few generations. These are inlaws and extended families but they make a damned good group of people to hang out with.

The gang. Not pictured: shenanigans

The gang. Not pictured: shenanigans

The cottage itself was a small little affair. Something cozy that was able to sleep 12 people comfortably. There were 14 of us though. Since all the beds seemed to have been taken my wife and I regretfully accepted that we had to take the guest cabin for ourselves. What a kicker eh? The area itself was surrounded by fierce and ferocious critters such as the deadly chipmunk.

Here we see the terrifying critter as it attacks my lap

Here we see the terrifying critter as it attacks my lap

It took some time to gain their trust

Taken seconds before the cameraman's throat was torn out by the furry bastard.

Taken seconds before the cameraman's throat was torn out by the furry bastard.

but eventually we were able to tame the woodland rodents and to convince them to stop carrying the cottagers screaming into the woods to store for the long harsh winters.

For the most part the week was spent relaxing in water, relaxing inside whilst storms raged, relaxing in the woods on a hike, or jogging and sprinting up hills and swearing loudly. Much as I enjoy running sometimes it just seems like it is a contest with yourself. And I’m not sure if either of you really wins. So…after the run it is back to the lake to return to the relaxing.

One of the anti-lake relaxing storms blowing in

One of the anti-lake relaxing storms blowing in

There were some interesting sights to take in during the week. On one of the days my wife and I took a 16km hike (in the rain)  that included a stop at a site that had stone paintings that date back anywhere from 600 – 1000 years ago.

Deer. Startled. Fortunately they left behind their beer when they bolted

Deer. Startled. Fortunately they left behind their beer when they bolted

Startled some deer whilst walking. Took a golf day to remind myself how shitty a golfer I am. Saw a bear on the drive to the course (although Christian,

Christian feeling bad about the jogger that was eaten (possibly)

Christian feeling bad about the jogger that was eaten (possibly)

Brad and I felt a little bad that we never mentioned the bear to the jogger that we passed around the corner heading for it). There were bonfires and guitars, games and laughing. There is something wonderful about being able to spend time with a group of people that you love. Everyday was a riot and usually ended in us laughing until it hurt. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t giggle fart at least once.

Finally it became time to leave though. Saturday found everybody packing up the last of their things and ready to head back into the real world. Looking forward to next years trip though. Its always a challenge to see how we can outsilly ourselves from one year to the next. We can usually rise to the challenge.

Wonder if we should have told Brad we were leaving...

Wonder if we should have told Brad we were leaving...