Archive for September, 2009

My Brain Loves Me

Posted in Uncategorized on September 29, 2009 by moegreeb

I discovered today how awesome my brain actually is. I always thought it was a kind neat thing but not much use beyond random nerd facts and quotes from bad movies. Turns out it actually works…IN MY BEST INTEREST!

Here is what happened. Picture this if you can. It is lunch time (a remarkable time. This is when I partake in one of my favourite activities. Introducing food to my belly via my mouth). Today I decided on a nice simple meal of vegetables and lean protein. That had been deep-fried (fine, it was chicken fingers and onion rings ok? Fuck off).

Once I had returned to my desk I dug into this delectable noon time dish with great vigor and gusto. Every bite was filled with mouth watering greasy perfection. All too soon though the meal was finished. The fingers were gone. Cue sad music now please. Something from Schindler’s List should do nicely (the whole score is in A minor). Its like finding out that your best friend has gone. Cause you ate him…and he was delicious.

Then the weird shit happened. Yeah.

About ten minutes later I felt myself pining for my lost chicken fingers. They were yummy and I was already nostalgic for that time that I had been eating them. I looked down and the previously empty box HAD ANOTHER CHICKEN FINGER! This was amazing.

This is what I found! A fucking chicken finger!

This is what I found! A fucking chicken finger!

I could barely contain myself. With a shaking hand I reached into that box and grabbed that greasy (and now slightly cooled) goodness and crammed it into my mouth. How was this even possible though I ask you? I had only bought 4 pieces. There was no logical way that I could have missed this tasty nugget. Then it occured to me. My brain loved me. This was the only logical explanantion really. So I went back to my video feeds to double check.

Once I wound my brain back to those moments of eating I discovered that my brain was actually just editing out that last piece of chicken. How fucking awesome was that? The only explanation was that my brain knew how upset I was going to be by the fact that I had finished eating and was trying to give me that surprise. My brain loves me enough that it will fuck with my visual input just so that I can be pleasantly surprised later.

What my brain was showing me

What my brain was showing me

 

I might not always treat you right brain…but know this. I fucking love you man.

My Fav Funnies

Posted in Uncategorized on September 25, 2009 by moegreeb

I was kind of at a loss for what to write about. I had started a bunch of different blogs over the last day and none of them really felt right. So I did what anyone who encounters trouble should really do. I said ‘fuck it’ and decided to watch a movie instead. This brought me to hard decision. What the hell should I watch? Something funny definitely but what? There are too many choices. So I present to you some of my favourite comedies (and therefore some of the funniest movies ever made). They are in no particular order.

Ghostbusters. It has to be said. This is one of the funniest movies ever made. Every single line in this movie is genius. The more deadpan the line the funnier it is. I once spent the entire day with a co-worker doing nothing but quoting lines. That is fun for everyone and never gets old! Fav lines:

Back off. I’m a scientist”

Yes sir, this man has no dick”

Good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County, and State of New York, I order you to cease any, and all, supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.”

Happy Gilmore. Yeah, I’m a guy…I find old Adam Sandler movies hysterical. This one though…this one is just fucking awesome. The movie is filled with anger, wackiness, and Apollo Creed. What more could you want? What’s that? A Ben Stiller role that fucking kills with his awesome mustache and killer locks? Check it. Fav lines:

You could trouble me for a nice warm glass of shut the hell up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep, read the name tag you’re in my world now Grandma.”

Here comes the putter throw”

I saw two fat naked bikers off 17 in the woods having sex. How am I supposed to CHIP, with that going on, Doug?”

Shaun of the Dead This movie has it all. Zombies, humour, Simon Pegg. If you have not taken the time to watch this movie there might not be any hope for you. basically it’s a bunch of guys trying to get to the pub to wait out the zombie apocalypse. What the fuck more do you need? Fav lines:

Take car. Go to Mum’s. Kill Phil – “Sorry.” – grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?”

Just look at the face: it’s vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who’s lost a bet”

As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no “I” in team, but there is an “I” in pie. And there’s an “I” in meat pie. Anagram of meat is team… I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

A Mighty Wind This movie is hysterical to me for various reasons. It is an improved movie so the dialogue gets downright wacky at times. Added to this is that personally, I used to play the folk music circuit and I know each and every one of these caricatures. It is also awesome to see the guys of Spinal Tap reunited in such a manner. Fav lines:

This is not an occult science. This is not one of those crazy systems of divination and astrology. That stuff’s hooey, and you’ve got to have a screw loose to go in for that sort of thing. Our beliefs are fairly commonplace and simple to understand. Humankind is simply materialized color operating on the 49th vibration. You would make that conclusion walking down the street or going to the store.”

To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will.”

Before we begin tonight’s performance I would like to make a brief announcement. I’d like to warn you that some of the floral arrangements at tonight’s performance have dangerously low hanging vines and may be poisonous. So please, whatever you do, don’t eat ’em and don’t become entangled in them or trip, please.”

My Pets

Posted in Uncategorized on September 19, 2009 by moegreeb

I’ve always liked pets. Pets make the house happy.

I found the puppies in a ditch. I could not make this shit up

I found the puppies in a ditch. I could not make this shit up

Plus they are slightly easier to deal with then kids. as far back as I can remember there have been pets in my household. They’re good for stress, they can bring a smile to your face when you’re in a bad mood. Plus they can really get up to some crazy shit. I used to have this one dog, Sadie, who used to eat everything in sight and was indestructible. This dog was insane. She ate all of my sister’s barbies, ate five pounds of chocolate once (chocolate is usually quite lethal to dogs. In this case it just left a hell of a mess to clean up), and ate most of the kitchen floor. The linoleum floor. Yup. You read that right. This blog however is not about the pets of my past but rather the pets of my present. So let me run you through the list of furry critters that take up residence in my domicile now. Let’s start in reverse order of size.

Walter. Protector of the Filthy Ducky

Walter. Protector of the Filthy Ducky

1. Walter

Walter is an Australian Sheppard who was an abused dog that was rescued from a puppy mill. When we got him he was a very timid dog that was scared of everything. He is still mostly scared of everything but is much happier. He loves that ducky. It is disgustingly filthy but he’s ok with it.

Corbin and his pierced nose

Corbin and his pierced nose Yup.

2.Corbin

Corbin is quite simply an idiot. He was a stray dog that was rescued by Australian Sheppard Rescue and we adopted him. He is the dumbest creature that I have ever encountered. Once while sniffing a rabbit cage he somehow managed to pierce his nose with the latch of it. It didn’t seem to bother him all that much though. Plus he looked pretty rad.

Norman and Ralph wondering why they are being bothered by me

Norman and Ralph wondering why they are being bothered by me

3. Norman and Ralph

These are our two cats. Norman was a kitten that we took of the streets. there was a whole litter of them that were in a parking lot. We lured him and his siblings with the Colonel’s delicious artery clogging chicken and found homes for all of them. He hates the dogs but to this day if you happen to be eating KFC Norman will come out of nowhere and perch himself as close to your plate as possible. Ralph…Ralph is a special cat. He was adopted from the humane society and has some quirks. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night to him licking my face. I gotta say. Its kind of weird. He also licks the bookshelves for some reason.Norman and Ralph wondering why they are being bothered by me

Yup. Chester is a Guinea Pig.

Yup. Chester is a Guinea Pig.

4. Chester

Chester is a Guinea Pig. Not really a lot to say about her. She keeps to herself for the most part. Other times she will make some odd squeaking noises. Occasionally the cast will climb into her cage and snuggle up. Strange. She also acts as our composter, clearing up any vegetables and fruits that are almost past their time. Effective and cheap.
That brings us to the final animal still in my house. Scrabble.
Um...yeah. That's Scrabble. In the box...I should really get rid of that.

Um...yeah. That's Scrabble. In the box...I should really get rid of that.

5. Scrabble
Scrabble was a Guinea Pig. She used to keep Chester company. Scrabble is dead. She died a while back actually. It was in the winter and we wanted to bury her but the ground was frozen. So we decided that we would put her in a box and wait until the spring. Then we kind of forgot about her. That was a while back. Really should do something about that. Of course, it will teach my sister to go rooting through my freezer for food when she’s house sitting (sorry Robin).
Shandy. I miss that dog.

Shandy. I miss that dog.

Sneaky Squirrels

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2009 by moegreeb

Today, whilst on a walk with my friend Luke (the asshat from my last blog) I spotted a squirrel. Now on first glance this squirrel appeared to be just like any other squirrel. Bushy tail, gray fur, looked vaguely like it was trying to do advanced trigonometry in its head (you’ve seen that look of confusion and concentration). Then the squirrel did something interesting. It jumped on the back bumper of a Fed-Ex truck and then jumped back off again. Then it jumped back on!

As we continued our walk I couldn’t help but wonder at what was going on in that little cracked math filled squirrel brain. Really there was only one possible explanation. That little furry fucker was going to steal that truck.

Here we are thinking that those little guys are only ever worried about their nuts (feel free to take a second to laugh here. I’ve spent the last five minutes giggling) and here they are casing trucks for grand theft auto. The more I spent thinking about this the more it failed to sit properly with me though. This was a flawed endeavor. How in the holy name of Andy Kaufman was he going to drive?

Ok…let’s assume that this truck is automatic. It’s possible. Why wouldn’t the good people at Fed-Ex decide to use automatic transmission vehicles as opposed to stick shifts? The automatic shift would still be a problem though. I’m not sure of the relative strength of squirrels. My tests so far have proven inconclusive and those assholes at PETA are proving to be a pain in the ass. The point is that I don’t think a squirrel can shift the vehicle from park to forward. Not going to happen. Not without a serious setup of levers and counterweights. This isn’t even the biggest problem that I see. How the fuck is he supposed to reach the pedals? You might not have noticed but the legs of squirrels are not very large. Even if this was a capybara he still wouldn’t be able to hit that brake and gas.

All this I considered as we walked. Yup. That was one stupid squirrel.

 

 

The Golfening

Posted in Uncategorized on September 12, 2009 by moegreeb

Apparently I signed up for a golf tournament. I am not a golfer. Nothing about me says golfer. I have no aspirations to be a golfer. Do I want to play in a golf tournament? Apparently so. So I woke up this morning at 5:30 a. fucking m. and got my self ready. An hour later I was out the door with a tired spring in my step. 

Yeah. This day is going to rock.

Yeah. This day is going to rock.

I stopped on the drive to snap this picture. The way the sun rose over the mist was magical and seemed to be an indication of the wonderful day to come. Like Brigadoon rising after a hundred years lost (but with less singing).

 

This is what an asshat looks like (Luke)

This is what an asshat looks like (Luke)

At about 7:30 I arrived at McDonald’s and met with Luke. He asked what I wanted. I said breakfast burritos and went outside to hop in the truck. He brings me the BLT he ordered for me instead. Luke is an asshat.

Twenty nine and a half minutes later we rolled at high speed into the country club. 30 seconds before our tee-off. Good times. We met up with the rest of our foursome (three other guys. I realize this math doesn’t add up and I don’t care. It really has nothing to do with the rest of this story and you should just let it go) and started smacking balls around. I learned a few interesting things today though. Here are a few considerations next time someone asks me if I want to golf. 

  1. Price. Golf is not a cheap game ( I refuse to acknowledge this as a sport). On top of ridiculous green fees there is equipment costs. When I got there I bought 2 sleeves of balls (6 balls in total) and this cost me $35. Now admittedly I wasn’t paying attention and selected the most expensive balls but still…c’mon. I also had none of those balls left by the end of the day.

  2. After a day of duffing your wrists start to really hurt a lot. Every time you misjudge your swing and connect with the ground that vibration is travelling all the way up that shaft and right into your arms. That starts to suck by the third hole.

  3. Carts.

    Me, seconds before everything went horribly wrong

    Me, seconds before everything went horribly wrong

    You can only run into the golf cart in front of you so many times before you start to wonder what else you can be doing. Then that just leads to screaming and paperwork and eventual police line ups. Fuck those things are depressing.

  4. Marshalls. These are the dudes that drive around the course making sure that every body is moving along at a reasonable pace, that the carts are not on fire yet, no one is fudging scores, and that you aren’t screaming ‘fucking cock-bags’ after every shot.
  5. Animals. The course is littered with them. Today I was hissed at by groundhogs, snapped at by turtles and attacked by geese. What the hell is up with that? Really all you can do is seek retribution in the end and that will get you kicked off the course.   

 

Sorry Dad, Not For Me

Posted in Uncategorized on September 9, 2009 by moegreeb

I will not become my father. I love my dad. I love him a whole fucking hell of a lot. This does not mean that I want to become him. Specifically I do not want to find myself with the same problems that he has. My dad is in his mid-fifties, diabetic and suffers from Coronary Artery Disease. This does not fill me with confidence for my future.

Over the last few years I’ve seen my dad in hospitals after suffering heart attacks, been waiting in hospitals during surgeries (with another one coming up in a few weeks), seen him battle with depression, and watched as diabetes developed and grew worse. This can be quite sobering. The frightening thing is that when my dad was my age he was thinner than I am. Now I know that being skinny does not equal healthy (for more proof of this read my friend Quincy’s excellent running blog at http://thequincyannefrank.posterous.com/) but to go from that guy to the man that I know now is a bit disconcerting. So I’ve made some choices.

No more do I eat nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches and Kraft Dinner (I’ll assume Americans will know what this is). These were major staples for a few years. Gone are the snacks by the truckload. These have been replaced with smoothies and fruits. Fuck this is tough. Eating heathily doesn’t necessarily taste bad…there are many things that taste great but it still doesn’t exactly taste like a bag of Doritios. However, I’ll look over at my dad as he’s getting ready to give himself a shot of insulin and I reach for an apple instead.

For a few years I worked as a landscaper (Thank you Music Degree and Piano Major for being oh so useful practically) and during this time I stayed in reasonably good shape. Until I stopped doing the manual labour and started more and more running equipment instead. This is when I started to put on some weight. Then I moved to a desk job at a software company. I don’t know if you seen many software guys but we tend towards the heavy side. There is a reason for this. It is a job where we sit on our asses for most of the day and the easiest thing to do when you’re on your ass all day is eat crap and drink energy drinks.

Now I workout. I lift weights, I play sports, I run. I feel fucking fantastic. Why is that no one told me that staying in shape feels so good? It seems like this is something that should have been shared with me. I’m not quite in the shape that I wish I was in yet. There is a long way to go still. Three weeks though until my father’s second bypass surgery. I’m terrified of it. I’m not going to be the one that gurney though. I refuse to be.

So…pass the salad. I’ll be there…just ten more minutes on the treadmill first.

Happy Birthday To Me

Posted in Uncategorized on September 8, 2009 by moegreeb

Well once again it seems to be September the 8th. That means that once again I am celebrating the day that I was brought forth into the world. Forcibly it would seem. As my mother delighted in telling me two days ago, She was in labour for a little over 50 hours. And that was after they had to induce birth. Oh yeah…I was also a month late. Yeah…there’s some latent hostility there.

So every year I take this opportunity to dust off my life long to do list and see what I still need to get accomplished. So let’s see…what have we left?

    1. Become a writer. Ok. I’m working on this one. Its hard to be too upset about not having this one crossed off when I have been actively working on improving my skills. I have a big writing project that I am quite excited about launching in the new year. I’m once again dusting off the novel that I keep promising myself I will finish. I blog, and I Twitt. I’d say things are looking good on that front.

    2. Take over a small island and force the citizens to reenact scenes from favourite movies and TV shows. This one is going to be fun. I can tell right now. Also all conflicts on the island shall be resolved through dance offs.

    3. Find the Rainbow Connection. Apparently it is for lovers and dreamers and talking green frogs. I’ll start looking in the Yukon. If I don’t find it maybe I can at least find some gold.

    4. Learn how to properly spell discombobulated. Wait…look at that. Ok then, looks like I can cross this one off of the list now.

    5. Skydive. I’m kind of surprised that I haven’t done this one yet. I desperately want to one day see the world from that high up without it being filtered through the window of a plane. The thought of it alone is an exhilarating one. I’m not sure that it is possible to get any closer to absolute freedom.

    6. Set a world record for the number of times I’ve shouted out the word ‘boobs’ for no discernible reason.

    7. Finally release a second CD. I had so much fun the first time and it did reasonably well for an indepently released album. It is in the works and tracks have been laid down (skip over to My Music page to check out some stuff) so this is another thing that I really can’t feel bad about I suppose.

    8. Learn German and only use it to shout compliments to people in a really aggressive manner. Imagine how fun it would be to pass by someone and yell at them ‘Ihr Haar ist so schön wie die Flügel eines Schmetterlinges!!!’

    9. Eventually meet each and every person that I’ve become friends with online. This one will probably be a bit more of a toughie. The great thing about being online is that it makes it easy to become friends with people located all across the world. The problem is that this is also what makes it tough to ever stand face to face with them. Still…it would be nice to do.

    10. Blow up a planet. Now I’m not saying that I want to blow up Earth, or any other planets in this solar system. I don’t even want to blow up a planet that has any life on it (I am a pacifist you know…well a junk kicking pacifist). I don’t know how I would do such a thing or the logistics involved. All I know is, fuck. I want to watch a goddamned planet blow up and know that I was the one who did it.

So, that is my list. Those are the things that I hope to one day accomplish. This might need to be a busy year.