Archive for January, 2011

Ralph. Not a leader.

Posted in Uncategorized on January 16, 2011 by moegreeb

There are a lot of people who are never meant to rule the world. Some are too corrupt. Some are too na├»ve. Some are too obsessed with make out scenes between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman (seriously…I heard they make out for almost an hour. I haven’t seen the movie yet but it is a winner in my books).

As I sit here and ponder what it is that makes a truly great leader I find myself also drawn to the traits that would be a leader’s undoing. Take Ralph for example. Ralph would make a terrible world leader. I’m not talking about King Ralph of course. I think we can all agree that John Goodman was incredible in that movie and his wonderful potrayal of Ralph Jones as the unlikely ruling monarch of England has left us with no uncertainty about what an amazing world leader he would be. I’m talking about Ralph, my black cat.

I’ve compiled a few reasons as to why I think that my cat would not be fit to control the direction of the world.

1. Cleanliness might be next to Godliness but there are limits you know. I see no problem with a person setting an example for us on a global setting of the importance of good hygiene. Where I draw the line is the prolonged eye contact. Imagine if Stephen Harper were holding a press conference. Instead of delivering any sort of meaningful speech, all he does is stare into the camera and lick himself clean. No wavering in his stare. He holds the camera in his gaze and takes a trip to lick town (If you don’t know who Stephen Harper is, he’s the robot that is made out of plastic who is currently running Canada. On the upside, I’m pretty certain he has an outstanding collection of sweater vests).

The bottom line is, this is creepy behaviour and can do nothing but lead to seriously creeping folks out.

2. Every morning I pretty much wake the same way. To the thoroughly unpleasant feeling of my cat licking my hair. It is really hard to explain the feeling of a cat chewing on and running his tongue over your hair. It is bizarre. It is also not a good trait to find in the person that is making all the decisions in that control and govern out lives. This obsessive behaviour is not limited to my scalp though. Ralph licks tons of stuff…windows, shelves, walls, floors, my hair. I’m not sure that this inspires trust and confidence. It more just makes you afraid to touch things. Seriously, Lord Ralph could have licked anything, making nothing safe. This might actually run counter to my first point about a hygienic leader.

3. What would you call a person who routinely just knocks stuff off of tables and shelves? You’d call him an asshole. Cause that’s what he his. He’s an asshole. Ralph is an asshole. He will stare at something and then, for absolutely no reason that is fathomable to any rational person, knock it onto the floor. At this point he will lean forward to see where it fell. He does it in such a way that you can only assume he’s making sure that it is actually on the floor now. You don’t want this type of asshole in office. What if those are live grenades on the table? What if they are just well organized files? Ralph won’t care. He’s going to knock that shit down and someone is going to need to clean it up. Or possibly blow up. In the case of the grenade that is. The files probably wouldn’t blow you up. Can’t guarantee that though. The point is, this is the behaviour of someone that just wants to see stuff broken or messed up. Not cool.

4. He’s a fucking cat. He has no ambition. He has no thumbs. There is no scenario in which he could possibly end up with the control of the world in his grasp. It just doesn’t work.