Archive for January, 2010

Go To Hell CBS

Posted in Uncategorized on January 29, 2010 by moegreeb

So…CBS prefers that a woman not have control over her own body and that two gay men shouldn’t find happiness. At least that is the message they are sending out, right?

CBS has allowed an ad to be during the Superbowl which, more or less, denounces abortion and pushes forth a Pro-Life agenda. Ok. Fair enough. I’m very Pro-Choice myself and I feel that as a guy I don’t really have any rational way of claiming that I should have any say in what a woman chooses to do with her own body. It just isn’t my place. CBS is just trying to make some money and Pro-Life campaigns are willing to pay for the air time. I can’t argue that. It’s business. I don’t agree with the campaign one bit. I don’t want that to be a confusing point…I can just understand that as a business they will gladly take the money being spent by the Christian group ‘Focus on the Family’ to run it.

My problem comes with the refusal to run an ad. CBS doesn’t seem to mind offending half the North American population with their Pro-Life ad all in the name of commerce but they draw the line at depicting two men kissing on screen. That apparently crosses their line. Now, in all fairness, the ad submitted by ManCrunch (the gay dating agency) is currently under review but CBS has already shown their hesitation. When first submitted, CBS informed ManCrunch that all SuperBowl ad slots were full and there was no room for it. Shortly after that CBS informed PopTarts that there were still plenty of slots open for ad submissions.

Where is the problem? What is so offensive about homosexuality? How does the sexual orientation of someone else affect you in the slightest way? It doesn’t. It can’t.

Argh. I’m sorry…I’m too angry to really organize my thoughts more on this. I’m just running on rage. It really saddens me that we live in a time where this shit still happens. I’m calling bullshit on you CBS.

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The Best Sandwich In The World

Posted in Uncategorized on January 27, 2010 by moegreeb

I’m not sure what fueled this madness…but the end result was genius. The process is simple. Go to KFC, order yourself a bucket of chicken, some fries and a tub of gravy. Take the bucket and stick it in the fridge. It will be better tomorrow and you don’t want to waste the space in your stomach that you could be filling with the fried and gravy.

Take the gravy and dump it on the fries and that is your supper. After you pass out and wake up sometime the next afternoon, go and grab the chicken from the fridge. Take a couple of pieces of bread, throw some cheese on it. I prefer to use a garlic cheddar cheese, myself but any cheese will do (ok…not ANY cheese if you start screwing around with blue cheese or Brie then you are just trying to be difficult and I can’t be bothered with you). Next rip some chicken off of the bone and slap that down in the sandwich. Don’t you dare discard that skin either. That bad boy is going in the sandwich as well. Here is the most important step. Mayonnaise. Now if you have a jar Miracle Whip take that jar and throw it the fuck out. That is not mayo and if you buy Miracle Whip you are probably an asshole.

Once the mayo is properly slathered on, add the second piece of bread and throw that into a counter top grill. DO NOT add the mayo after grilling the sandwich. The mayo must be heated by the grill and it also acts as a handy adhesive to keep the whole sandwich together once removed from the grill.

This might be a good time to warn your doctor that he might want to start scheduling an angioplast procedure to clear out your arteries. Do not engage in any sort of physical activity for at least 3-4 hours after consuming this sandwich. This will also void most insurance policies.

Random Thoughts I’ve Had Whilst Driving

Posted in Uncategorized on January 19, 2010 by moegreeb

I should preface this by saying that this whole blog post idea was inspired actually by a chapter of David Cross’s book : I Drink For A Reason. (Involuntarily Random Thoughts I’ve Had, Not Always When I’m Pooing But Certainly Sometimes When I Was Pooing).

His is absolutely hysterical and I wouldn’t want to outright steal a bit from him but the truth is I’ve had some remarkably random thoughts and this is a good way of sharing them. The big difference is that while I’m pooing I normally am just reading and not having any great ponderances. Most of my random thinking comes while driving while my brain isn’t elsewise occupied. Comforting though’t huh?

  • I think my left testicle has gone numb. Is that normal? I have no idea if that is normal.
  • Has Wolverine ever accidently cut his own penis off during ‘alone time’. How long would that take to grow back? That must be awkward.
  • Why was the picture slowly fading? The instant that Marty went backwards in time that picture would have occupied the same pocket dimension that McFly himself was in and been kept safe from the paradoxes that were erasing it. Even assuming that his parents kiss was the event horizon which determined his own personal future the end of the movie shows that he has already been moved to a reality that is different from his originating one. It is completely illogical then to accept that he would slowly ‘be erased’ from the flow of time when we’ve already seen that time is willing to just take him and shove him into any suitable dimension. Now you can argue that if his parents hadn’t kissed he wouldn’t have been born and therefore been able to go back in time in the first place. This is just going to be a circular argument though. His very presence is FACT of his existence. Cognito Ergo Sum and all that goodness. His parents kissed, and eventually conceived him BECAUSE he had been sent back in time already and set them up to do just that. Why is that guy’s turn signal still on!?!
  • How do the brains of dogs perceive smell? To me things smell good or bad. There isn’t a lot of in between. Dogs can learn so much more from smell then we can in sight and they can do it in 4 dimensions! They can smell something that isn’t even there anymore.
  • Why does Carrot Top have a career? How did this happen?
  • I wish I had some Skittles right now.
  • Did that cop notice me just now? No…I don’t think he did. Wait! Wait! He’s turning around…crap. No…no. It’s not for me. Good. I can speed up again.
  • There goes my left testicle again. I should ask someone about that. Hmm…that might be difficult to work into a conversation.
  • I hate Dan Hill.
  • What the hell did K.I.T.T. stand for in Knight Rider? I remember that the prototype, K.A.R.R., was Knight Automated Roving Robot. Wait…was K.I.T.T. just Knight Industries Two Thousand? That sounds right. That sounds stupid though. At least K.A.R.R. was a descriptive acronym K.I.T.T. just sound like they were trying to be trendy. That was probably the downfall of the series.
  • This drive would be much easier if my car were a Transformer. Well, unless it suddenly started fighting with another Transformer…which frankly is all they seem to do. It would be nice though to just read a book or nap though while it drove for me. I suppose if I had K.I.T.T. it would be just as easy but I don’t need that pedantic tone from him whenever he talks.
  • Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much…ARGGHHH!!! Fuck you Dan Hill!!!
  • Was that my exit?

I’ve Been Sick

Posted in Uncategorized on January 18, 2010 by moegreeb

I am not a fan of being sick. It is Monday and I am currently lying on the couch writing this. I have been sick since Friday.

This will not do. Over the last few days I’ve been averaging about 18hrs a day in bed. Now I’m a fan of beds. Please don’t get me wrong there. Beds are awesome. Beds keep me in my happy place. It can get a little much though.

I’ve been too tired and sick to play Xbox. My god! The Xbox! How betrayed does it feel by this lack of attention? I just hope that I can make it up to it somhow.

I’m not normally one that gets sick. This is twice now in a few months that I’ve been sick. This is bullshit. That is all.

Kind Eyes (a work of fiction)

Posted in Uncategorized on January 7, 2010 by moegreeb

It was two months ago when I first met the devil. It was a bit surprising really. We grow up with this image in our heads of the red skinned beast. A fiery version of Pan from Greek legend. Anyone who chooses to dress up as him for Halloween immediately reaches for the horns and the tail. The man at my door was noticeably hornless. There was no pointy tail escaping from the seat of his pants. No trident clutched in his hands. His feet were covered in rather worn looking shoes so I can’t really say for certain that they weren’t cloven but I imagine that if they were he would have been quite uncomfortable. Instead of the cape, he wore a simple dark suit and tie faded slightly as if it had been his main wardrobe choice for years. A matching fedora perched atop his head, slightly to the side. It was enough to reveal the hair that looked like it was thinning slightly at his temples. This did not look like the traditional symbol of evil. It kind of looked like my Uncle Pete. What I remember the most about him was his eyes.

His eyes were a faded blue, almost grey in colour. There was such a sadness that I could see in them. A longing for something lost that could never be recovered. Those were eyes that had seen more years pass than I could even begin to fathom. They were really the first thing that I noticed when I pulled over to the side of the road and looked out the car window.

I’m not sure why I had pulled over in the first place. I’m not usually one to pick up hitchhikers. This isn’t out of any fear for personal safety mind you. I’m not worried that someone is going to pull a knife on me and carry out some sort of twisted nefarious plan. Especially not when that person looks as harmless as this old guy. Maybe I’m just an asshole. Whenever I pass a person standing on the side of the road with their thumb outstretched my first thought is usually along the lines of Nice try but better luck next time. Whatever the reason was, there I found myself in the middle of nowhere, parked at a crossroads rolling down my passenger window so that I could talk to the man.

“Good afternoon, sir,” he greeted me, putting his fingers to the brim of his fedora and tugging it gently in my direction. It struck me as old fashioned at the time. At least, I think it did. To be honest my recollection is somewhat muddled.

“Not many people travelling this way these days,” he continued. “Or rather, not many people stopping here these days. There used to be a time when I couldn’t go a day without someone stopping here. Simpler times I guess.”

You have to understand, I didn’t know he was the devil at the time. It is not something you automatically think of. The normal human response is not to assume that someone is the devil when you meet them. In fact it is not a thought that really passes through the mind at all.

“Um, hi.” I said, still not really sure why it was that I had pulled over. “Can I give you a lift somewhere? It’s a hell of a walk from here…well to anywhere.”

The old man seemed to find this really funny. His shoulders started to shake with laughter and a small wheezing chuckle escaped from his lips. He walked over to my car door and leaned against his folder arms as he looked in.

“Son,” he said. “You couldn’t have said a truer word. No I don’t need a ride. Here is where my shop is and here is where I stay. Later perhaps I’ll move on but for now this is where I’m content to stay.”

“Shop?” I was curious despite myself. I miss being curious. I think. “What kind of shop could you have here?”

Here he smiled. A gentle smile that was full of good humour and maybe just a small touch of mischief.

“Now that is a question.” he shook his head almost sadly. “I never thought there would come a time when people had to ask what it was that I would be selling out here. Maybe its time I take out one of them online ads on a website. What do you think of that? Advertise my little old business.

My shop is one of miracles. I wait here at the crossroads and I give people what they’ve wanted. How many times have you thought to yourself ‘If only I had this’ or ‘All I really need is that’? I provide the means to fill in the blanks. For a very affordable price I might add”

“I’m afraid I don’t follow you.” I replied. I really wasn’t sure what he was going on about. “What is it that you sell?”

“Son,” he sighed. “If I didn’t know any better I’d say that you were trying to be difficult. Some people seek me out because they want fame. They leave and go on to become the idols of the nation. Others come looking for riches. When they leave all of their financial desires come to pass. I am a humble merchant of dreams. It is my business to provide the vehicle to lead any seeker to their fortunes. I always deliver.”

It was at this point that I first really became aware of my surrounding.

“Wait a second,” I said. “You’re standing here at the crossroads waiting for people to show up and ask you for some fantastical deal? You have to be putting me on, right? Let me guess what you are asking in return. Would it be my soul?”

I started laughing at this point. The strange thing though was that I didn’t actually find it funny. There was something that hung in the air that seemed to add a gravity to to the whole experience, something that grounded it all and took it from being absurd to plausible.

“That would be it exactly.” he very quietly responded. “It really is such a small thing. Have you ever really thought about it? How would you miss it? I can see you, son. You don’t even believe in souls do you? Would you miss something that you don’t think you have?”

I can remember thinking the old guy had a point. I had never given much thought to heaven and hell, angels and demons. Always sounded a bit fairy tale-ish to me to be honest. I nodded to him that he had a point and he continued.

“Look inside…what is it that you want more than anything? What is your true desire? The thing that you long for but no that you will never get?”

His soft old voice had taken on a hypnotic tone almost. It reminded me of my grandfather suddenly. How he used to sit me on his lap and tell me stories. It was a voice that was gentle and caring and made me feel safe. I would sit there for hours if he let me, just enraptured by his voice and unable to tear myself away.

This man’s voice had the same timbre. The same quality and I found my thoughts cast inward. Lisa. I worked with her. For years we had shared an office and everyday I found myself longing for her. Her heart belonged to another though. She was married and happy. I never could stop thinking of her though…could never stop the longing that I be the one that she came home to at night.

“So there is something that you want then.” he said. “It is a noble pursuit love. SO many people come seeking power. Power is empty. Love is consuming.”

“I loved once,” now his voice had dropped to barely a whisper. Those kind and warm eyes of his grew unfocused for a moment. “My entire being was given over to one. One that I loved more than anything. It was powerful. I would have given anything to always carry that love. To always be worthy of it. Things change though.

His love was shared not just with me and my kind but with ones who I felt were lower and unworthy. Such mistakes we can make.

That…that was a very long time ago though. We all learn to adapt and move on.”

His eyes met mine again.

“You can avoid that though, you know. Lisa, can be yours Mike. Her entire heart belonging to you and no one else. You will never have to worry about her choosing another over you. Her love will be forever.

My mouth had gone dry at the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he was offering. I couldn’t believe that I was actually considering it at the time. That I was being anything other than totally incredulous.

“Who are you?” I whispered.

“Would you really believe me if I told you, son?”

The next few moments are a bit foggy. My body seemed to be running on autopilot. I had undone my seatbelt and had opened my door to walk over to the passenger side of the car.

I’m not even sure if I spoke to him or if he just knew what my response was going to be. I do know that that was the first time that I had noticed the briefcase he had at his side. When he opened it there was just a simple contract. One that had my name on it already. It all looked very technical and I can’t recall much of what it said but I remember seeing Lisa’s name on it as well.

I had started patting down my pockets for a pen to sign but he stopped me.

“No, son,” he said to me. He was holding a tiny pin between his finger and thumb. “A signature means nothing really. It’s not alive and never has been. It all comes down to the blood.”

He took my hand and pricked the end of my index finger. I could barely feel it. A single drop of blood welled from the tip and I pressed it to the paper right over my name. After that he took the pin and repeated the process using his own finger. Where he pressed it to was strange. My eyes couldn’t focus on the name there and it seemed to keep changing before my eyes. Lucifer. Baphomet. Azazel. Beezlebub. Morning Star.

I felt that there should have been something more at that point. That there should have been a peal of thunder. That lightning should have flashed from the paper in his hands to the skies above. There was nothing. I had a slight chill as the wind kicked up for a second but that was it.

He smiled at me then and shook my hand. The entire time his eyes remained the same. Kind, warm, caring. He understood my love. He understood what it was to want to be loved in return. I can remember feeling serene at that moment in time.

The drive home was uneventful. The more miles I put between myself and that encounter the less real it all seemed until finally I put it down as nothing more than an odd daydream.

The next day at work Lisa talked to me. She asked if we could have lunch and just hang out. We ate and made small talk and I repeatedly felt her foot brush against mine. It was very innocent seeming. She talked of how she couldn’t stop thinking about me and how she wasn’t very happy in the relationship she was in. I chatted with her and felt my heart pound the entire time.

The weeks passed and we got closer. The closer we got though the weirder I felt. I used to carry such a torch for her. Thinking of her would quicken my pace and bring a smile to my face. I still think of her. I can’t help it I guess. That burning inside is gone though. What was there…is just a memory I suppose.

I haven’t smiled in weeks. I’m not depressed mind you. It is just as if I’ve forgotten how to smile. I can move my mouth in the correct shape. I can crinkle my eyes properly. There is just nothing that makes me do it. My favourite movies pass before my eyes. They are just moving pictures. I flip though beloved books. The words are flat and dead in front of my eyes.

My father died two days ago. He had been sick for awhile and we knew that there was a chance that he was going to pass for quite a long time. We all hoped though. Well, I used to hope. Even that seemed to be beyond me. I went to his funeral. I watched as they lowered the casket into the ground. I thought about the role he played in my life and what a friend he was to me. I felt nothing. There was no sadness. There was no bittersweet joy at the memories of all of the things we used to do. There was no ache for the man that had shaped my life. I watched them lower him into the ground and felt nothing.

I sit here in the dark now. I listen to the sound of Lisa outside. She has been knocking for a couple of hours now and keeps moving to peer into the windows. I had changed my number a few times to stop the phone from ringing. Now I just have it disconnected. She yells her love for me and how she needs me in her life. She cries and pulls at her hair, just wanting to be with me at all times. To always be by my side. To always love me.

I sit in the dark and I ponder a man with kind sad eyes. The man who collects souls. The man who bargains away miracles to obtain the one thing that he and his kind were not given. The thing that he feels is what is responsible for costing him what he loved most in the universe.

New Year’s Resolutions

Posted in Uncategorized on January 3, 2010 by moegreeb

Well, once again we have hit the first of a New Year. That’s right…it’s time for resolutions. Time for us to look at our lives and try and do a good hard evaluation of where we are and where we want to be. Time to say this is an area of my life that could use some improvement. Time for us to look at the list of resolutions that we had made the previous year and say “Yeah. Those were good idea’s. This year I’m going to do it.”

I’m not sure what it is about New Year’s that makes us want to change for the better. Probably because all of our friends and family use the holidays as an opportunity to point out our many shortcomings. So, I guess I shall make my list of ways that I can better myself and become a better person.

  1. Run A Marathon. May 30th. That is the date of the Ottawa Marathon. 42 km of running. This leaves me a few moths of training but I wonder if it will be enough. My long term goal is to be able to run the Boston Marathon in 2011 but this is going to be pretty damn hard to qualify right out of the start. I need to hit a time of 190mins. This is hell of a benchmark to hit on my first attempt at marathon. Still, I’m going to do my damndest to make this.
  2. Finish My Novel. Ten years. Ten fucking years this book has been stuck in my head. I have been trying to write it for ages but everytime I get anywhere into it I end up rereading what I have done and scrapping it all. So, now I’m posting it in bits at StoryOfTheNexus.wordpress.comThis seems to be working so far. Because I’m posting it this way it forces me to keep moving forward without going back and redoing. Sometime this year…I will get this story finished. Probably.     Maybe. I hope.
  3. Stop Making Fun of Whitey. Really, hasn’t he had a rough enough time of it already? When’s it going to be Whitey’s time on top?
  4. Devote More Time To My Xbox. I don’t really need much justification for this one. I just like video games. I want to play more. I’m not sure this really improves my life at all. Whatever.
  5. Finish Recording On My Second CD. Sigh. I’m a lazy ass sometimes. I’ve been working half-assedly on that thing for about 9 months without getting much accomplished. I so need to focus. It probably would help if I didn’t spend so much time trying to write an asinine blog.
  6. Learn French. My French is terrible. I work in Ottawa and yet I can barely carry up my end of a conversation. This doesn’t seem to stop me from initiating conversations though in French which is a pretty bad move on my part.
  7. Figure Out A Way To Travel In Time. The only real reason that I want to do this is so that I can memorize lottery numbers and clean up. I already have a plan actually but it is going to require a lot of money and will involve me somehow altering the properties of light so that it moves slower. On a side note: Fuck you Einstein. Actually…now that I think about it I might also go back to University and advise past Chris not to bother spending that semester studying Wagner’s ‘Der Ring des Nibelungen’. It is not going to be as useful as I might have thought.
  8. Stop Crank Calling Ed Asner. I gotta be honest. These calls have been completely unwarranted. The guy’s done nothing to me and my harassment has probably been unnecessary.
  9. Attend Live Performance of Beethoven’s 9th. I have a fricken degree in music and somehow I’ve never found myself in the audience during a performance of, what is arguably, one of the greatest pieces of music ever written. It is impossible for me to listen to the final movement (Ode to Joy) and not get chills. Especially knowing that this was written by a man at a time when he was completely stone deaf.
  10. Finish What I Start. I am notoriously bad for starting something and leaving unfinished. This year I