Archive for July, 2009

Love For The Terrible Flick

Posted in Uncategorized on July 31, 2009 by moegreeb

My name is Chris and I love bad movies.

I can’t help it but it seems to be some sort of sickness. The worse the movie the better. I think it might be the mental equivalent of gorging yourself on fast food. You know that if you eat it you’re just going to hate yourself later but you can’t help it.

Now it shouldn’t be thought that I can’t appreciate a good movie cause that’s just not true. Some of my favourite movies have been absolute masterpieces. Flicks like ‘Pi’ or ‘The Usual Suspects’ or ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ blow my mind (if you don’t like those particular examples fuck off and write your own blog) but I see that ‘In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale’ is on and I will happily spend the next two hours watching Uwe Boll’s directorial stylings rape the screen. Seriously Burt Reynold’s plays the fucking King (also for some Boll reason he couldn’t decide on where this is set so half the cast is American, half the cast is English and for some reason Claire Forlani is English but faking an American accent).

There do seem to be some stipulation on this though and I’m not sure that I can adequately explain them. It is not enough for Ebert and Reoper to just give them a couple of thumbs down. ‘Transformers 2’ was pretty awful and I didn’t much care for it. ‘Knowing’, however I watched 3 times in 3 days. Let’s consider the Wes Craven movie ‘Cursed’ starring Joshua Jackson and Christina Ricci. This movie is the classic tale of girl loves boy, brother gets bitten by a werewolf, people get eaten by werewolves, killer werewolf is actually spurned ex-love of boy girl loves, oh wait the really bad werewolf is the boy. Basically it is just a retelling of an old Dickens’s classic (I never actually read Oliver Twist but I’m like 95% that it involved werewolves). This movie makes no sense. Whatsoever. The film was apparently almost completely reshot about a year after it was supposed to be finished. So some of the original footage and the new footage really don’t mesh. The acting is as over the top as you can get. the absolute best part though is that Scott Baio is in it as himself. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve watched this movie. It makes no sense.

So there you have it. A little confession of mine. A guilty pleasure (like porn but with much less crying in the dark afterwards). You can keep your ‘Godfather’ and your ‘Citizen Kane’. Sure, I’ll watch them and enjoy them with you…but as soon as it’s done we’re going to watch Nicholas Cage scream about the bees and punch an old woman in the face.

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Essential Greenness

Posted in Uncategorized on July 27, 2009 by moegreeb

A famous philosopher once said “It’s not easy being green” I can’t remember who it was and I can’t be bothered to look it up ( I want to say that it was Friedrich Nietzsche). I can’t really really comment on this line of thought since I’m not green now have I ever been (except for that once in Grade 10 Chemistry when I wasn’t listening and did some bad mixing). What I can say though is that green is a very pleasing colour to behold. It is calming and soothing (Damn it. Nieztsche was the one that wrote that about looking into the Abyss and seeing Ed Harris wasn’t he?). I decided to catalogue the effect that Green has on my house and start a list of all the green items found within.

Turns out that I’m thinking of James Cameron. Whatever. The point is that I have quite a few things in my house that are green. I’m going to start telling you about them.

My Kitchen:

My kitchen is a fairly green room. It is a house for fruits and vegtables, it is the colour of our dishes, and the walls are green.

IMAG0110 HIMAG0100ere you are able to make out the greenish tint to the walls. As an added bonus look at that delicious bottle of 12 yr: old Glenfiddich in the centre…green! Not only is it delicious but it is thematically matching. How awesome is thatIMAG0098?

Here on IMAG0099the left you can see some of my dish set. What you can’t see are the other 5 green bowls, the 8 large green plates, the 8 small green plates or the 8 coffee mugs.  Cause they’re in the dishwasher. And it was running at the time. I was able to find this dandy travel mug though. I also discovered a green thermos but I threw it out cause it was also filled with old green pea soup.

IMAG0108 I like apples.

A few other things inside my kitchen: Bamboo, Food bag for the guinea pig (Chester), The house inside the cage for the guinea pig (Still Chester), some thing that is growing in kitchen sink drain trap that my wife had asked me to clean a little while ago.

My Living Room/Library:

These rooms have a little less than the kitchen but makes up for it in size.

IMAG0118 Here we have a few green tea lights to set up a nice atmoshpere. Sweet eh?

IMAG0101This is one of my preffered reading spots. A nice cozy chair that is comfortable for reading. I’m not nuts about the lines it leaves in my ass during naked book time though.

IMAG0102 Here are IMAG0103I have some statues in the classic “See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil Pose”. I’m not sure what my obsession is with these, but there are all over the library. Different statues and different pictures of friends in that pose.

IMAG0117This here, on the right,  is the windowed mosaic project that my wife is currently working on. Its in the living room right now during its creation phase. There are also various books that are very green of cover ont he shelves and various knick knacks strewn about the place.

The Laundry Room:

IMAG0111 Ok…when I went in there this was the only thing I found. Though you can rest assure that I own many many more green shirts. I like green. You might have guessed that already though.

After this I started getting a little tired of explaining to my wife why the hell I was going around the house and taking weird pictures of things.  So I snapped a few more shots and I’ll just compile them all here at the end. Some of the items that didn’t make it into the pics: Storage crate for my music cables and pedals, bins filled with winter clothes in the attic, pair or Converse All -Stars (Size 12), roll of small bags for picking up dog poo, a dragon on one of the walls, my fall jacket, and my cat Norman (technically he’s tabby but that is a fairly green coat I think).

So remember, no matter what James Cameron might tell you, Its not that hard to be green.

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The Man In the Taco Suit

Posted in Uncategorized on July 24, 2009 by moegreeb

I have no idea how it started.

I have no idea what he has done

I hate the man in the taco suit.

There is a man a few blocks away that stands on the corner and hands out pamphlets for the Pita Pit. Now some of you might feel the need to jump in and correct me here: “But Chris, he’s probably a Pita, not a taco at all”. Fuck you. He’s a fucking taco. A pita is nothing more than a taco that thinks that he’s better than he is.
Every time I see him I just want to drop everything in my hands and drop kick that foamy douche in his silly foam face.
Let us be clear that he has not done anything to me in any way. He has not even handed me a flyer of any sort. Hell, I love tacos usually. Nevertheless, he needs to be destroyed.
My co-worker and I have spent countless hours going over detailed plans of what we would do to the taco should we encounter him away from large crowds. It is not pretty. The weird thing is that I am not a violent person in any way. I like peaceful resolutions and I believe that most people are good. However, that taco needs to be taught a fucking lesson. I want to teach it to him.

The Douchey Foamy Face of the Enemy

The Douchey Foamy Face of the Enemy

Society is Screwed…

Posted in Uncategorized on July 22, 2009 by moegreeb

Yup. I’m pretty sure that society is about to collapse as we know it. How do I know this? I know this because today, whilst software testing at another building, I entered the bathroom. In this bathroom was a mirror. Dead freakin centre of the mirror was a small poster explaining how to wash your hands. A six freaking step poster explaining how to wash your hands. How did it come to this people? Are we such a society of fucktards that not only do we need reminders to wash our hands when we are finished but we also require instructions on how to perform such a task? I can almost picture some brave soul, poster in hand, marching into the washroom. In his eyes a soul can be seen that has taken all it can and can no more stand idly by. Like Martin Luther nailing his 95 Theses to the door of the church, this man taped his 6 step process to the mirror. I would have saluted the man and the poster but I was too busy trying to sound out the bigger words as I tried to decipher that cryptic hygienic process. Breaks your fucking heart doesn’t it?

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I Love My Health Care

Posted in Uncategorized on July 22, 2009 by moegreeb

Watching TV last night I found myself on a channel that was carrying an American network feed. Because of this I had the dread misfortune of having to sit through some American commericals which were geared at depicting the horrors of universal health care and how it doesn’t work for Canada. This commerical even featured a Canadian relating her troubles that she had wtih the Canadian health care system. Now, far be it for me to slam someone who did happen to fall through the cracks of the system. It happens and we all know it. My gut reaction though, that’s a resounding ‘Fuck you’.
I’m not saying that our system is not without flaws. I’d be hard pressed to find a system of any type that isn’t. That being said, I do not know a single person that would prefer if Canada were under a privatized health care to what we have in place. I can’t help but look at the state of my family alone. My father has suffered a few heart attacks, has had to have bypasses and angioplasts performed. He has diabetes and he has suffered from chronic depression. If it wasn’t for the health care system we have my family would long ago have had to file for bankruptcy. Point to me the average family that can assume these type of costs themselves. I know that I can’t. My wife’s brother would have never lived past infancy had it been up to her family to assume the hospital costs associated with his needed hospital trips.
Yes there are wait times. Yes there are delays. But I take comfort in the fact that no matter what my financial state is I will not be turned away from the hospital. As an accident prone individual who lacks much common sense this is a comforting thought. I have been hospitals for patella-femoral syndrome, broken fingers, stitches, staples, lislocated knees, broken noses (just the one nose but multiple times) and various maladies. Not one of those trips has ended up costing me money.
I have more I could say. Such as mention the loss of practitioners here to the U.S. where money can be made but I think that I am in danger of seriously ranting here and that is not what I wanted to do with this blog. I just want it to be known that I am a Canadian, I have a health care system that I have faith in, and I find it offensive to hear how one failure is turned in to propoganda in order to try and deny medical services to all citizens. Even if it is citizens of a country other than my own.
There. I’m done.

The Man in the Church

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2009 by moegreeb

While walking today during my afternoon “Fuck! I need to get out of the building before it drives me to destroy everything in a 5 mile radius” walk, I passed a church. It was really a very nice looking church, one that seemed to radiate peace and harmony (even to an atheist such as myself). That’s when I noticed the locked wrought iron gate at the front of the church. I looked at this and thought “It is a shame that they need to keep people out like that”. Then I thought “Maybe they’re trying to keep someone in”.
After that I was done. I could barely walk because I couldn’t’ stop giggling at the thought of God shuffling around inside the church in an old bathrobe and fuzzy slippers but not allowed to leave. He’d lool forlornly at the front door and, ever so subtly, a large guard would step in front giving an almost imperceptible shake of his head.
“Any chance of a walk outside in the sun today Ted?”
“Sorry God. You know that’s not allowed”
“Oh…yeah…I forgot. Sorry”
And then with a bit of a slump in his walk, God would return to the rectory and sit in front of the TV that they had brought him and watch his stories while drinking tea…
After that little exchange I wasn’t giggling anymore but just found myself thoughtful and feeling a little sad for the old man that wasn’t allowed outside in the sun anymore.

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My Nipples Kind Of Hurt

Posted in Uncategorized on July 20, 2009 by moegreeb

Yesterday I asked a man to shove a needle through my nipple. I can’t help but feel that this is a sign I’m having a hard time coming to grips with my ageing. I’ve never been one to lament the loss of my youth (though I do miss the hilarity of some of my youthful exploits). No way to stop that onward flowing river. I’m ok with this. I’ve accepted. I cry no more than once a week about this.
I turn 31 in less than two months. This is not a big number. This is a relatively small number in the scheme of things? What is thirty one? Number of days in the longer months. That’s not a lot. Couple of handful of Skittles. That’ll barely make my jaw sore. Hell, the number 31 is only used in the entire Bible 4 times (look it up. I did). If it was a significant number it would have been used more often than that I think. It is the number of years I’ve been alive. 31 is a scary fucking number. So scary in fact that it has caused me to run out and pay someone to stick pieces of metal through my nipples so that I can relax. Let us look at that statement again shall we? I had METAL pushed through my fucking NIPPLES so I could RELAX! Weird.
Let us step back from this anecdote for a moment so that I can clarify a few things. I am a fan of piercings in general. I have quite a few so far but they are all kept in my ears (up until very recently of course). 2 hoops in the lobe of each ear, a hoop through the tragus of my left ear and a barbell through the top and side of my right ear. I like it. To me it does not seem to be all that excessive. Positively elegant actually. More outlandish piercings are reserved for those younger punks. Dammit! I want to be a younger punk as well.
I want to show the world that I will not go quietly accept my ageing. I am still a free spirited rebellious young upstart. I enjoy sports! I play video games! I swear loudly and profusely! I get uncomfortable around police for no good reason! So I do the only natural thing there is to do. I ask someone to please shove a piece of metal through my nipple. Then I ask them to do the other one. To say that it hurt a bit is much like saying that nuclear bombs might cause some damage. But I think it worked. It left me feeling a bit younger afterwards and like I had done something that that contributed only to myself and not to society at large. The whole thing has been a sort of ‘coming of age’ ritual in reverse.
Well now it is done and over with. The pain is gone, the metal remains. Forever now I shall carry the reminder of my eternal youth and if I feel really insecure I can show it to the rest of the world as well.
41 is going to fucking suck.