I Will Destroy My Nose

So…I broke my nose the other day. This isn’t a new experience. This has happened before. I’m also sad to say…that it will probably happen again. I wish it wouldn’t, but there you have it. I have to face the facts. I subconsciously hate my nose and wish to destroy it. It has been a long and bloody history.

Grade 7 was when it all began. It was lunch time recess and I was playing road hockey with some of the other guys (I’m Canadian…it is actually illegal to NOT play road hockey when you are a young male. It is true. I don’t even really like hockey and I still played it.). I can’t recall the exact circumstances leading up to the moment when Garrett turned around and punched me in the face. I assume it had something to do with the fact that he was a loser and I had tried to point it out to him (If you are reading this, Garrett, I’m sure that you are no longer a raging douchebag. It was probably just a youth thing. A lot of people grow out of the ‘I’m a huge fucking dick’ phase of their lives.
All I really remember of that day was the brief flash of stars and my once perfect nose being forever changed (seriously…I could have been a nose model. I think that is a real career).

After about a year of getting used to the new crooked look of my nasal features I had decided that more punishment was needed. So I set an elaborate plan into motion. I arranged circumstances so that my friend Adam would be bullied by Jason. This wasn’t too tough since Jason is a dick (unlike Garrett, I’m pretty sure that Jason is still a dick). After Jason had thrown Adam until a garbage can I stepped in and attacked him with my nose.
Crunch.
Mission accomplished. Nose was rebroken.

After this was a series of nose related injuries. I was tackled during high school and slammed my nose against a block of ice. Broken. I fell down a flight of stairs and stopped myself against a wall…with my face. Broken. Got drunk and jumped by a bunch of guys in university (I think…there is also a chance that I was hit by a car….I never really figured out what happened that night). Broken.

Perhaps the most embarrassing time that I broke my nose was about 10 years back my friend Willy (he prefers to be called William. This is why I call him Willy) and I were driving at night and spotted a hitch-hiker along the side of the road. I then recognized the hiker as being Adam (the guy from broken nose #2). I threw my head out the window to taunt him as we sped past. I really should have checked to ensure that the window was open first. It wasn’t. Well…it was partially open. It was rolled down enough that if someone were to throw their head quickly out the window the top of the window would hit the bridge of their nose REALLY FUCKING HARD. This is what I did. My nose had been made crooked over the years but that was the time that it got noticeable wider. Ah…take that nose. You smug bastard you.

All of this brings us up to last Monday. Last Monday when I am at the house that my wife and I were moving out of. Last Monday, when I am standing in the pouring rain trying to take apart a gazeebo all by myself. Not my best plan. I hadn’t realized that it wasn’t my best plan until I unscrewed a beam and lacked a third hand to catch it as it fell across my face. After awhile you come to recognize that cracking sound that you feel echo through your entire skull for what it is. A broken nose.

So now I sit and I prod at my tender facial features and explore the new contours of it and the new bumps and ridges that can be found there.

Next time needs to be spectacular I think.

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6 Responses to “I Will Destroy My Nose”

  1. sebastienz Says:

    Don’t worry Moe, after another 5-10 times, you’ll have nothing left to break. I got my nose broken every month in elementry school, now it’s as soft as Jell-o 🙂

  2. SOO glad I”m not the only one who has broken my nose multiple times!

  3. aurora00 Says:

    Your nose must have collected some really bad karma from its previous life! Maybe your nose murdered someone in, like, the 18th century or something?

    And yes, Nose Modelling is a real thing – that’s how I make extra cash. (Seriously, I have an awesome nose. Not saying that to rub it in or anything, but yeah).

  4. For next time, I’m willing to donate spiders, explosives, and some pvc pipe. Yup, that oughta do it! * wipes dust from hands, satisfied*

    oh, and in case you were wondering…the spiders are to scare the shit out of you and force you into a mistake whilst handling the explosives…it’s all in the timing, i think. Fuck it, I’ll just have to bring it all up myself…can’t trust just anyone to handle this right…

  5. Holy fuck that was funny. I mean, not for your nose, but for the casual observer, such a me.

    I’m tearing up.

    Laughter tears, not the kind you had after each break/

  6. Dont worry Says:

    That, my good friend was the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I was laughing the entire time.

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